10 nuisances I'm thankful for and why.

Someone who loves me recently encouraged me to be more positive.

It seems my negativity (though often cleverly disguised as sarcastic humor) had really started to affect who I was presenting myself to be.

So, I've decided to be more intentional about being positive.

Here's a list of 10 things that I've often considered nuisances - and why they're truly blessings.

(feel free to add your own!)

I AM THANKFUL FOR: And WHY

 

Cold Toilet Seats: evidence that seat's been unoccupied for a while.

My Commute: 40 minutes every morning to wrap my mind around what I hope to accomplish over the next 8 hours and 40 more to leave it all at work and reacquaint myself with family life.

Being awakened with "Daddy, I have a nosebleed": I'm a daddy.

My Mortgage: A house I'm hoping to pay for eventually and a generous bank who trusts me to do so.

TAXES: I'm part of an economic system that affords me the privilege to dream big and see some of those dreams realized.

Car Repairs: I have a car to drive and a spare for when that one breaks. One paid for. The other almost.

Annoying alarm clocks: I'm awake to hear it.

Hundreds of un-mated socks: There are three more sets of feet in my house. All of them ticklish.

My dogs barking and baying at all hours of the night: All I need to survive is daily kibble, some fresh water, and a deck to hide under when it rains. Squirrel chasing is a bonus.

More month at the end of the money: Life gets simple in a hurry.

Thanks to my loved-one(s). Hopefully this trend will continue.  Rest assured I'm thankful for you too!

JON 

ETERNAL SECURITY

I can’t walk into an elevator without rubbing my fanny on the buttons.  Wait… re-read… Yes, it’s true.

A few years ago the building where I work implemented security measures.  All employees have to have a key card.  It’s not like I work in fort Knox or anything – but we’re a state-wide religious organization so it’s possible any kook could show up at any time. 

Upon arrival to the building before or after regular hours, the key card will open the gate (drawbridge) into the complex.  After parking in the garage, the keycard will alert the first door of the building to open. But don’t pull on the handle. That might damage the machinery.  Then there’s a second door to pass through into the holy of holies … a quick scan there and you’re in the basement.  But wait, there’s more. You can get on the elevator. But you can’t go anywhere without your key card.  Waive the magical rectangle in front of the sensor and then you’re cleared for take-off.

It took us all a while to get used to the new security plan.  I began to wonder what other areas we could employ this wonderful technology.  Scan the coffee maker – you only get one cup a day and then you’re locked out - or worse, the yogurt machine.  Scan to get in the bathroom – or to dispense toilet paper.  With this economy and all…

So what does this have to do with rubbing my fanny on elevator buttons? 

When the key cards were distributed there were three options for convenient usage of the card.  First, you may wear it on a lanyard around your neck.  This seems to be the accessory of choice for public school teachers, but not so much where I work.  Second, you could use one of those handy retractable tether things.  Many use this method – but don’t let it slip out of your hands or you’ll get a nasty recoil on you that will leave a mark.  Most of the men just simply leave the key card in their wallet.

THE GLUTE GLIDE: Upon entry to the building, I (and many of my colleagues) simply address the sensor with our left or right cheek (depending on your preference).  We wait for the beep and then the door magically opens.  

THE HEINIE HOIST: The second door poses a bit of an issue for some.  The sensor is mounted about 6 inches higher.  So many men reach behind them and do the ol’ pocket lift.  With your wallet still firmly in your back pocket, you just lift the bottom until the sensor finds what it needs.  It looks like you’ve got an itch, but it gets the job done.  However, I’m a bit taller than most so I can simply turn around, hike up a hip and stretch to my tip-toes and make the sensor happy.  This move is reminiscent of being on an imaginary stair-climber.

Finally, to the elevator.  First off – no one ever faces INTO the elevator while they are riding.  Proper protocol demands you enter, select your floor and then face the doors – anticipating your quick departure from the climbing or descending vessel.  Failing to do so causes panic on the part of the other passengers.  It’s must be what a prisoner feels when his cell is about to be ‘tossed’.

THE RUMP RUB:  But remember, you have to scan your card to go anywhere.  So most of us wallet carriers have gotten into the habit of walking toward the buttons, turning around and sort of – rubbing our booties on the scanner until it beeps.  Then we turn back around and select our floor.  It’s like when a cat rubs up against you (uninvited).

Unfortunately though, like Pavlov’s dogs, I do this IN ANY ELEVATOR. SCANNER OR NO SCANNER.  Hotels, rump rub, button push.  Hospitals, rump rub, button push. Barnes and Noble, rump rub, button push. 

Everybody’s used to it at work.  Nobody looks at you weird.  They do at the hospital.   So if you come visit me at work, stop by the front desk. They’ll give you a loaner key card to get around.  How you wear it is up to you – but be advised, some methods may cause undesirable side-effects.

Fashion Trends I almost missed…and maybe should have.

I just got new glasses.  They’re the modern Buddy Holly adaptations that all the cool worship leader types are wearing these days.  I’ve wanted to get more ‘fashionista’ but choices are limited when you’re … hefty.  Upon receiving my glasses ($7 from Zenni Optical) I was worried history would repeat itself for me. It seems as soon as I catch up to cool, it moves on leaving me feeling like an anachronism.  So here’s a list of those fashion-come-lately moments for Jon.

Zany Zappers:  I absolutely had to have a pair of these stupid sunglasses with built in lights around the frames.  The battery compartment was tethered to the end so they weren’t really that handy for sport fishing or baseball games or your visit to the beach.  But they were amazingly cool … for about a week.

Parachute Pants.  Hard to believe but I saved my money for months to buy a pair of these nylon wonders.  Unfortunately, size 36 was the highest Chess King went – but I managed to squeeze myself in.  I think I melted holes in the thighs from the friction. 

  Pegged Pants. I carried this far too long out of necessity more than anything else.  For some reason the makers of big boy jeans assume that ankles are proportionally as wide as waist-lines.  I’ve never seen anybody with a size 46 ankle.  I peg because I can… wish it was still socially acceptable.  It was always  nice to find a French fry hiding in the folds later in the day.

    

 The Pre-Eastland Knot:  I don’t even remember what this was called, but it’s morphed and returned.  I got boat shoes (sans socks of course) and would wrap my laces around themselves until there was a little knot at the end, essentially turning lace-up shoes into loafers.  (This was before Velcro).  Now the knots have grown and are called Eastland Knots.  There’s even a YouTube video on it!

             

Hammer Pants:  This was a fat kids dream! Pants so blousy you could hide everything… unfortunately the excessively low crotch was quite cumbersome.  I wore these way beyond the limit of good fashion sense… wait, were they ever really cool to wear?  Please Hammer – don’t’ hurt em. You Can’t Touch This.      

Members Only: What’s in a name? Well membership had its privileges – much like the parachute pant episode, I was limited in choice because they didn’t make 3X members only coats.  But who needs to zip it anyway? It’s got those wonderful snap flaps on the shoulder… that’s all you need.

     

Jams Shorts:  When Dwayne Wayne from A Different World throws up on your shorts… this is what you get.  And I had a lot of pairs.  Shorts are great for fat kids because legs are lean (they have to work so hard) and bellies can hang out over shorts a lot better.  Thanks to David Lee Roth’s California Girls video for making these cool.

Vans:  Play checkers on your feet.  Get a Sharpie and change the colors of the white squares.  Don’t wear socks – not cool.  Throw away after two weeks because they’ll stink to high heaven.