Fashion Trends I almost missed…and maybe should have.

I just got new glasses.  They’re the modern Buddy Holly adaptations that all the cool worship leader types are wearing these days.  I’ve wanted to get more ‘fashionista’ but choices are limited when you’re … hefty.  Upon receiving my glasses ($7 from Zenni Optical) I was worried history would repeat itself for me. It seems as soon as I catch up to cool, it moves on leaving me feeling like an anachronism.  So here’s a list of those fashion-come-lately moments for Jon.

Zany Zappers:  I absolutely had to have a pair of these stupid sunglasses with built in lights around the frames.  The battery compartment was tethered to the end so they weren’t really that handy for sport fishing or baseball games or your visit to the beach.  But they were amazingly cool … for about a week.

Parachute Pants.  Hard to believe but I saved my money for months to buy a pair of these nylon wonders.  Unfortunately, size 36 was the highest Chess King went – but I managed to squeeze myself in.  I think I melted holes in the thighs from the friction. 

  Pegged Pants. I carried this far too long out of necessity more than anything else.  For some reason the makers of big boy jeans assume that ankles are proportionally as wide as waist-lines.  I’ve never seen anybody with a size 46 ankle.  I peg because I can… wish it was still socially acceptable.  It was always  nice to find a French fry hiding in the folds later in the day.

    

 The Pre-Eastland Knot:  I don’t even remember what this was called, but it’s morphed and returned.  I got boat shoes (sans socks of course) and would wrap my laces around themselves until there was a little knot at the end, essentially turning lace-up shoes into loafers.  (This was before Velcro).  Now the knots have grown and are called Eastland Knots.  There’s even a YouTube video on it!

             

Hammer Pants:  This was a fat kids dream! Pants so blousy you could hide everything… unfortunately the excessively low crotch was quite cumbersome.  I wore these way beyond the limit of good fashion sense… wait, were they ever really cool to wear?  Please Hammer – don’t’ hurt em. You Can’t Touch This.      

Members Only: What’s in a name? Well membership had its privileges – much like the parachute pant episode, I was limited in choice because they didn’t make 3X members only coats.  But who needs to zip it anyway? It’s got those wonderful snap flaps on the shoulder… that’s all you need.

     

Jams Shorts:  When Dwayne Wayne from A Different World throws up on your shorts… this is what you get.  And I had a lot of pairs.  Shorts are great for fat kids because legs are lean (they have to work so hard) and bellies can hang out over shorts a lot better.  Thanks to David Lee Roth’s California Girls video for making these cool.

Vans:  Play checkers on your feet.  Get a Sharpie and change the colors of the white squares.  Don’t wear socks – not cool.  Throw away after two weeks because they’ll stink to high heaven.